She can’t know…

I can’t tell my mom when I am sick or in need of anything. She completely spazzes out. I have to hold everything inside, pray and call my friends.

Friends. They are the best at knowing our needs, yes? I find that with everything I am more at ease expressing myself to my friends than to those around me.

I have been down with the flu for a couple of days. I was home for three days from work so my car was in my parking spot. My dad, owns the building I live in, and knocked on the door one day. I tentatively opened it and told him that I was sick. He just needed to use my bathroom. But, he knew. He knew I was sick. I gave him a brief hug and set him on his way.

Just last night, my brother who lives above me, knocked on my door and asked if there was anything I needed. I wasn’t eating much and was craving tomato soup and any other kind of soup. He had some! He brought down a bag full of groceries for me.

Then he pings me later and asks if he should tell the folks how deathly ill I am/was. I told him to not tell them because it would make mom sick with worry.

How my personal feelings have had to stay measured and calm in order to not affect her status quo.

She can’t know…


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