Adventure, Anxiety, ANTs…

My mother is indeed an adventurer. She has been ever since she was a child. Yet she had two traumatic events that changed her mind and her life.

Her brother died very young of meningitis. After his death, she was sent to live with another family as her parents wanted to grieve alone. I have always thought this to be the most asinine way to approach grief, as if it is individually wrought. I believe this single act, damaged her stable environment. She had her parents, brother, boat and many other friends and adventures but now was without brother and her parents – three people who formed a safe environment for a young lass such as she.

Then, married to her first husband who neglected her, she received a call one day that her mother was on the way to the hospital. She and her dad arrived only to find Ida dead from a blood vessel that burst in the brain.

Alone, without her mother and still feeling the acute loss of her brother – she was alone.

Even to do this day, she cries whenever she recalls the death of her mother and brother.

And then the anxiety…

She was always nervous – she worried about everything and everyone. She worried constantly and always thought up new things to worry about. This has always made me so sad as it wastes the potential of  creativity. Yet, my mother wrote and painted wonderful scenes. But that constant worrying drove me nuts.

Now it doesn’t. I learned about Automatic Negative Thoughts or ANTs. Popping these boogers as they came, brought me to where I am now, living in the (Eckhart Tolle) present.

I wonder if my mother had ever learned to relax in the moment (cuz she doesn’t get that concept), would she be entering Alzheimers with plaqued cells so use to the routine of worry.

If I could just get her to breathe in each moment as a still, quiet moment all its own. If she wouldn’t grab at other people’s dismal state to propel her into a unceasing array of anxiety. If she could just not allow the pass to dictate her present nor worry about the future.

If she would only breathe the breath of living now. Would she heal?

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