what…how to feel

I visited my mother yesterday. I am collecting pictures for her book which I am publishing via Blurb.

She said, “I have the pictures, I just don’t know where they are, but I know the ones I want.”

She then proceeded to go through the pictures in her office. This can be an endless procedure for her as she enjoys each picture and tells a story about them.

As I was leaving, she mechanically told me that she loved me, “you will never know how much I love you.”

Then today. I receive an email from her. I had emailed her the song that I played at my brother George’s memorial service. You can find that here.

Her email:

My Cynthia! I just found this and playing it gave me such comfort and tears. You are such a blessing to all of us. We love you so much. You are a gift to the whole family, even the world. 

Heavenly Love to you and your children, Mom 

This seemed to me an email written in the emotion of the moment of listening to that song.
I don’t mean to lack understanding but I wonder if her feelings of love are emotionally tied to the moment of interaction. I rarely feel her love. It is formally given. I arrive at my feelings in that moment. I have learned that love needs to come from the core from who I am – and to love me. From there I can embrace the world with grace and much love.

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